Thursday, October 05, 2000

So last night was very sad. She got upset with me because I didn't eat as much as her. She wanted to know why I haven't been eating as much and my stomach is upset (I threw up again this morning -- she doesn't know about that).

She got all pissed when I didn't finish the pizza, and stormed off to do her Dad's payroll with out me. Made for a very long 2 hours.

She eventually calmed down and we talked about it a bit, and went to bed better, but not great. She got up to go to the gym (which I am 95% positive that that is where is she is going), and the whole morning ritual of worrying began again, culminating with me throwing-up again.

She just called and told me not to call her at work because she didn't want to go to lunch with one of the other girls at work, and she said she was going shopping for some stuff. A year ago, even 2 months ago, I would have thought nothing of it, and assumed she was telling me the truth.

I wish I could get back to the point where I always believed her, but I don't. I will always have doubt and what she says right now, until something changes that either for the better or the worse.

It is pretty sad.

Wednesday, October 04, 2000

As I have always said, I just want to be happy.

She seems to be in a really good mood today and very loving.

This is just the same old tired shit over and over that I am spouting. If you are reading this, you probably want to kill me by now. I hope that she doesn't go on Friday.

I wish I knew the nature of her relationship with him. She talks like we are in it for the long haul, but is she the type of person that can have a sexual realtionship with someone else like that?

I hope not, I hope that she is just not in the mood, and hasn't wandered.

If any women are reading this and want to give me their take on this question: "If we have only been having sex on average once a month for the last 3 months, when we use to be 3-4 times a week when we first started dating (2 years ago), is it possible that it is not happening because she has no sex drive. Or is the inevitable true, and she is probably getting it from somewhere else?"

Thanks for any feedback. Email address is notme83@hotmail.com
I'm too tired to write anything this morning of significance.

I didn't like throwing up this morning, ughh!

I wonder if she really is going to go with her friend, or is this a ploy to see him.

Yesterday was good, but no sex. Hurts my feelings and makes me very frustrated.

Tuesday, October 03, 2000

I really like this RHCP song "Otherside".

I like them much better with John Versante (sic) back in. I normally am a big power-chord/wall-of-sound kind of guy, but his intense, melodic playing just makes me want to say "Yohh!"!

Go Music! I like the feeling I have been getting lately listening to music, and I said before. Just real nice.

I am hoping that this house thing works out ok. I am getting excited about the possibilites of being in this kick-ass house, but it only really matters if she is there. All there. Not just pretending, but that girl that I know.

I understand that we all have tough times, and she might be going through that, and I willing to help her work through that, if I didn't feel like I am such an outsider in her life right now. It really hurts my feelings. There is no better way to describe it. It's just plain and simple, she is hurting my feelings.
I can't believe that our storage unit got broken into. I hope we didn't lose much.

The conspiary theorist in me thought something was funny with all this, until I checked the messages @ home and heard the women for the storage unit call asking for a call back, it relieves some of my stress.

I wish I could talk to her right now, but she said she has a meeting downtown at 1, which seemed odd to me, but the new me is believing everything I hear now.

It's all about trust
I hate it when we fight. Makes me feel like shit.

She doesn't do a good job at all of hiding her anger at me, she won't get on IM.

In general I am getting much better about this whole "other guy" thing. Where I use to be 90%-10% bad/good, that ratio is now flipped: 10%-90% bad/good.

I am not a big fan of feeling like shit.

I really need to get somework done today.

Monday, October 02, 2000

I forgot to mention that I am extremely longing for her right now. She, in my mind, is incredibly sexy, and I am so wanting her right now
So, overall, the weekend was very positive. I think we have made progress. There were some patchy spots where I got in a really bad mood thinking about the fact that she has this secret life and feelings that I have no clue about. Kind of upsets me, but I am getting better at it.

She did a much better job this weekend about showing affection to me, and making me feel loved. It actually would be perfect and I would be completely content if at least once during the weekend we made love. Until that starts happening on a regular basis, I think I will probably still feel a twinge of rejection.

I just wish I knew her reason for not having sex with me. If it is a lack of confidence and body-image on her part, I can live with that, and try to help her through that.

However if it is because she doesn't want to have sex *with me*, then we have a problem. And unfortunely, there is no easy way to find out what the case is. Bahh!

Enough whining for the day.

Today is going to be an all music day.

I need to bring more back in from home.

"Everyone's business is everyone's business" - SP

Friday, September 29, 2000

I guess it is time for an update.

Last night was actually very good. I would have liked it to end different, but one step at a time.

The only "bad" thing I can find right now is the phone calls, which in itself is probably harmless, but still gives me an uneasy feeling.

I would like to be able to be closer to her, but I am hoping that that will increase maybe, but to be honest I don't see it happening.

Is it possible for her not have a sex drive right now. It use to be very active, and is tailed down to nothing. Is it possible for her not to want it all together, or is she getting it somewhere else?

I am thinking it is just her drive in general is down, I hope. That really is the only option I have to go off of, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

I just wish I knew

Thursday, September 28, 2000

What I think bothers me most is her having an intimate, heart-to-heart talk with him while I was in Boston. It just makes it seem like she was happy for me to go so she could not be bothered with me, and so she could pursue this.

I am very confused, and I have nothing in the my immediate radar that indicates that I will become less confused as time goes on.

I miss when we were in love. I am still in love with her, and want to get back to that. It is obvious that she is not in love with me the same way she use to be.

Is she just comfortable now, and doesn't want to upset the balance (doesn't seem like her style), or does she really want to move on with me, and this is an innocent friendsip.

I watch TV charachters and become jealous with the happiness that some of them have, because they aren't feeling what I am currently feeling. That is very sad, because TV never imitates life, and they never show the tough stuff, always just cut away.

However, I want to get to that place again, that place where I wake up in the morning a happy man, with an outlook for the day that is positive, and the much fanfare.

I use to cherish coming home to spend time with her, but now it has gotten terse and complicated because I have way to many things going on in my head.

On a complete sidenote, I forgot how much I really like "Siamese Dream". Until just recently, music didn't invoke the type of passion in me like it use to in my college days. Music back then use to make me feel wonderful or sad, based on how I wanted to feel. It brought out emotions and life inside of me.

Ironically as it is, when I met her, I pushed music to the backgroung (did I like music so much because it gave me something to drown my single woes in?), and lost my emotional touch with music.

The last 3 days, that touch has come back.

It's too bad SP is breaking up because they were the only band that I liked that had a style that was a great representation of my personality -- complex, musical, melodic, emotional, wide range of feelings, they had it all.

I guess MII will have to be my last stint with them.

Back to work...
Last night was very good! We had a great dinner, great time at her dad's, and then talked for awhile.

I had made a promise to myself to no longer be nosey.

And I Would have been able to uphold it if she hadn't taken the other car, along with not being on IM today. It seemed to much to me today.

You know, this is really doing a number on my stomach.

I want to be happily married with someone who loves me. Is that too much to ask for?

Wednesday, September 27, 2000

I have had a miserable afternoon. As my title says, Ignornace is Bliss, and the less I know about what is going, the better I feel. However, I keep trying to find out more and more.

Nothing substaintial has ever been found, only small things that I can't prove anything (which probably means there is nothing).

I want to go home crawl in bed and watch ER.
So, I know where he works now, and she has been calling him at work. Ironic that he works at a Mortgage company.

To her credit, she still acts like we are full steam ahead when it comes to buying the house, and things for it. But she doesn't do a very good job of showing me that she loves me.
I am starting to learn that trust is the most important thing I can have in this relationship.

She has done nothing to sway my trust for her.

Everything has always checked out in her favor.

So, I need to go with it. That is the only way this relationship will ever work, is through trust.

The only thing that I need trust her on is if she wants out, she will tell me as well