Friday, September 22, 2000

Last night was not good. It is obvious now that she is hiding something from me.

Looking at watches and cordless phones?

This trip should be interesting

Thursday, September 21, 2000

I never realized that you can tell how long a person as been idle on AIM, very interesting.

"Let me give the world to you!" - Smashing Pumpkins
I slept really well last night. It was refreshing.

Wednesday, September 20, 2000

I was doing ok for awhile, but this whole, "I need to go in to the office on Sunday" when he happens to be online, probably talking to her, just screams of something fishy.

I have no proof that she is leaving me, only proof that she is not.

She suggested going to Michigan to register
She suggested visiting my parents
She suggest a lot of stuff that speaks about our future, things that seem like we will be together for ever.

But is that all fluff? Or does she really mean all of that.

Am I happy with possibly not being the number one person in her life.

I need to find somethings to keep me occupied
He has been on for a really long time. I wonder what they are talking about.

Stop this!

Karma!

ignore all of this and trust her and life to give you what you deserve
Would I be really bad to be doing this?
Man, it really bugs me when he gets online
So ironic. The DC diaries mentions his name.

Oh Gods, what hast thou in store for me!
I ran around way to much this morning to satisfy my curiosity.

I know have a headache because of it.

I slept much better last night when I convinced myself to stop worrying about it and let what happens happen. I have always been a firm believer in Karma, so I need to follow my beliefs and hope that all works out for the best.

Tuesday, September 19, 2000

I question everything she says now.

not good
What's up with her just leaving without telling me she was going home. She no longer wants to spend time with me.

I'm sad. I think I might cry.
So, I get to go home now, and look at her, and wait to see how she is going to response to me. Her and home use to be my save-haven in this world. It was a place I could go to and know that I was ok and all would be right.

That sanctity right now isn't there.

And I hate it
I hate documentation
I really hate the person that I have become because of this.

The thought of marriage scares me now because with marriage is always the possibility of divorce and cheating.

I can handle divorce, but I can't handle cheating, just seems like a cheap way out.

I should have been a girl
Should I just ignore all of this and let it pass and trust her to tell me if somthing has happened?

Is it bad tha I am questioning her love?

I really hate this.
He is online right now, probably talking to her

Wonder if she will give him the same excuse she gave me.

"To busy, trying to get something out right now"

I believe her that she is busy, but just wondering if he rates high enough to get to talk to her right now

This sucks, I was doing ok until this happened
What worries me most is that fact that she, at some point, felt so bad about our relationship that she needed to look outside of it for something she was missing inside of it.

I hope she didn't have sex with him, because that would make this 10x worse
The though of her being intimate with him breaks my heart.

I don't mean intimate in the sexual sense of the word, I mean that day-in/day-out stuff.

The singing together..
The laughing together...
The fighting together...
The being a couple...

I am going to give myself an ulcer with this...
Aghhhhh, god, I am whiney, but damn, the mortgage thing sticks out in my head
I hope it gets easier
how do I proceed?
I mean, I do love her, so so much. I just wish I somehow knew what was going on.

I don't like being played for a fool, much less with my heart.

Maybe space is all she needs

I hope
stop thinking about it
Stop thinking about it.
There is no way she is really like that and that this will happen the way I have been scheaming
She loves me, but then why is she seeing him?
Are they together
Are they together
I miss my bliss and ignorance
Is this a big scam?
Does she love me?
I hope she does, because if she doesn’t, and this ends how I think it might end, I will be a fucked man for a very long time
Why him, why now?
God, please help me
Why do we not go to church anymore?
Why do we not make love anymore?
Why is she not finding a dress and all wedding plans stopped happening?
Is she trying to find a way to take the mortgage on her own?
What rights do I have?
well, I opened up pandora's box when I decided to be nozy.