Friday, September 29, 2000

I guess it is time for an update.

Last night was actually very good. I would have liked it to end different, but one step at a time.

The only "bad" thing I can find right now is the phone calls, which in itself is probably harmless, but still gives me an uneasy feeling.

I would like to be able to be closer to her, but I am hoping that that will increase maybe, but to be honest I don't see it happening.

Is it possible for her not have a sex drive right now. It use to be very active, and is tailed down to nothing. Is it possible for her not to want it all together, or is she getting it somewhere else?

I am thinking it is just her drive in general is down, I hope. That really is the only option I have to go off of, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

I just wish I knew

Thursday, September 28, 2000

What I think bothers me most is her having an intimate, heart-to-heart talk with him while I was in Boston. It just makes it seem like she was happy for me to go so she could not be bothered with me, and so she could pursue this.

I am very confused, and I have nothing in the my immediate radar that indicates that I will become less confused as time goes on.

I miss when we were in love. I am still in love with her, and want to get back to that. It is obvious that she is not in love with me the same way she use to be.

Is she just comfortable now, and doesn't want to upset the balance (doesn't seem like her style), or does she really want to move on with me, and this is an innocent friendsip.

I watch TV charachters and become jealous with the happiness that some of them have, because they aren't feeling what I am currently feeling. That is very sad, because TV never imitates life, and they never show the tough stuff, always just cut away.

However, I want to get to that place again, that place where I wake up in the morning a happy man, with an outlook for the day that is positive, and the much fanfare.

I use to cherish coming home to spend time with her, but now it has gotten terse and complicated because I have way to many things going on in my head.

On a complete sidenote, I forgot how much I really like "Siamese Dream". Until just recently, music didn't invoke the type of passion in me like it use to in my college days. Music back then use to make me feel wonderful or sad, based on how I wanted to feel. It brought out emotions and life inside of me.

Ironically as it is, when I met her, I pushed music to the backgroung (did I like music so much because it gave me something to drown my single woes in?), and lost my emotional touch with music.

The last 3 days, that touch has come back.

It's too bad SP is breaking up because they were the only band that I liked that had a style that was a great representation of my personality -- complex, musical, melodic, emotional, wide range of feelings, they had it all.

I guess MII will have to be my last stint with them.

Back to work...
Last night was very good! We had a great dinner, great time at her dad's, and then talked for awhile.

I had made a promise to myself to no longer be nosey.

And I Would have been able to uphold it if she hadn't taken the other car, along with not being on IM today. It seemed to much to me today.

You know, this is really doing a number on my stomach.

I want to be happily married with someone who loves me. Is that too much to ask for?

Wednesday, September 27, 2000

I have had a miserable afternoon. As my title says, Ignornace is Bliss, and the less I know about what is going, the better I feel. However, I keep trying to find out more and more.

Nothing substaintial has ever been found, only small things that I can't prove anything (which probably means there is nothing).

I want to go home crawl in bed and watch ER.
So, I know where he works now, and she has been calling him at work. Ironic that he works at a Mortgage company.

To her credit, she still acts like we are full steam ahead when it comes to buying the house, and things for it. But she doesn't do a very good job of showing me that she loves me.
I am starting to learn that trust is the most important thing I can have in this relationship.

She has done nothing to sway my trust for her.

Everything has always checked out in her favor.

So, I need to go with it. That is the only way this relationship will ever work, is through trust.

The only thing that I need trust her on is if she wants out, she will tell me as well

Tuesday, September 26, 2000

I want to be happy in my life.
It was a good lunch today. Her going off on my mom, as weird as it sounds, gives me hope. Makes me think that maybe she is still in it for the long haul.

Overall, I am doing much better about it. I am eating more, and feeling less shitty. Every once in awhile I think about some of the things I read, and this twinge comes back into my stomach, but I try to subdue them as fast as possible.

I can't continue feeling like shit, so I need to take charge of it and change it.

I love her and will continue this process as long as I feel like I am being told the truth.

Monday, September 25, 2000

I don't know how to really explain how I feel right now.

I guess, let's start with this weekend. It was overall alright, but had some real patchy spots in it. When we were up there on Friday, I continually got the feeling that she did not want to be with me, and when the possibility arose to leave early and get home, she was all over that.

Always checking her voicemail.

Didn't see her much on Saturday, but...

Always checking her voicemail.

Sunday started bad. Wanting to go camping with her friend, while seems harmless enough just shouts at me that something is amiss. She hates camping, she hates being cold. So if she really goes "camping", I am going to be very suspicious.

But the afternoon got better and all doubts were erased until...

Always checking her voicemail.

What is the fuck important that she has to check it that often, esp when there are no mesage indicators. Means that she is expecting a phone call through the back way into it.

Always checking her voicemail.

Then this morning telling me she did not want to do RCIA this year, but "don't read anything into it". Well should I not read anything into it when she doesn't buy a dress, or we stop planning stuff for the wedding?

Always checking her voicemail.

I will write more about this weekend, but her not wanting to go to RCIA is not good, and does not make me feel right