Ignorance is Bliss

2000-10-05T12:15:00.000-04:00

So last night was very sad. She got upset with me because I didn't eat as much as her. She wanted to know why I haven't been eating as much and my stomach is upset (I threw up again this morning -- she doesn't know about that).

She got all pissed when I didn't finish the pizza, and stormed off to do her Dad's payroll with out me. Made for a very long 2 hours.

She eventually calmed down and we talked about it a bit, and went to bed better, but not great. She got up to go to the gym (which I am 95% positive that that is where is she is going), and the whole morning ritual of worrying began again, culminating with me throwing-up again.

She just called and told me not to call her at work because she didn't want to go to lunch with one of the other girls at work, and she said she was going shopping for some stuff. A year ago, even 2 months ago, I would have thought nothing of it, and assumed she was telling me the truth.

I wish I could get back to the point where I always believed her, but I don't. I will always have doubt and what she says right now, until something changes that either for the better or the worse.

It is pretty sad.

2000-10-04T16:02:00.000-04:00

As I have always said, I just want to be happy.

She seems to be in a really good mood today and very loving.

This is just the same old tired shit over and over that I am spouting. If you are reading this, you probably want to kill me by now. I hope that she doesn't go on Friday.

I wish I knew the nature of her relationship with him. She talks like we are in it for the long haul, but is she the type of person that can have a sexual realtionship with someone else like that?

I hope not, I hope that she is just not in the mood, and hasn't wandered.

If any women are reading this and want to give me their take on this question: "If we have only been having sex on average once a month for the last 3 months, when we use to be 3-4 times a week when we first started dating (2 years ago), is it possible that it is not happening because she has no sex drive. Or is the inevitable true, and she is probably getting it from somewhere else?"

Thanks for any feedback. Email address is notme83@hotmail.com

2000-10-04T10:08:00.000-04:00

I'm too tired to write anything this morning of significance.

I didn't like throwing up this morning, ughh!

I wonder if she really is going to go with her friend, or is this a ploy to see him.

Yesterday was good, but no sex. Hurts my feelings and makes me very frustrated.

2000-10-03T14:44:00.000-04:00

I really like this RHCP song "Otherside".

I like them much better with John Versante (sic) back in. I normally am a big power-chord/wall-of-sound kind of guy, but his intense, melodic playing just makes me want to say "Yohh!"!

Go Music! I like the feeling I have been getting lately listening to music, and I said before. Just real nice.

I am hoping that this house thing works out ok. I am getting excited about the possibilites of being in this kick-ass house, but it only really matters if she is there. All there. Not just pretending, but that girl that I know.

I understand that we all have tough times, and she might be going through that, and I willing to help her work through that, if I didn't feel like I am such an outsider in her life right now. It really hurts my feelings. There is no better way to describe it. It's just plain and simple, she is hurting my feelings.

2000-10-03T13:12:00.000-04:00

I can't believe that our storage unit got broken into. I hope we didn't lose much.

The conspiary theorist in me thought something was funny with all this, until I checked the messages @ home and heard the women for the storage unit call asking for a call back, it relieves some of my stress.

I wish I could talk to her right now, but she said she has a meeting downtown at 1, which seemed odd to me, but the new me is believing everything I hear now.

It's all about trust

2000-10-03T09:54:00.000-04:00

I hate it when we fight. Makes me feel like shit.

She doesn't do a good job at all of hiding her anger at me, she won't get on IM.

In general I am getting much better about this whole "other guy" thing. Where I use to be 90%-10% bad/good, that ratio is now flipped: 10%-90% bad/good.

I am not a big fan of feeling like shit.

I really need to get somework done today.

2000-10-02T11:04:00.000-04:00

I forgot to mention that I am extremely longing for her right now. She, in my mind, is incredibly sexy, and I am so wanting her right now

2000-10-02T10:56:00.000-04:00

So, overall, the weekend was very positive. I think we have made progress. There were some patchy spots where I got in a really bad mood thinking about the fact that she has this secret life and feelings that I have no clue about. Kind of upsets me, but I am getting better at it.

She did a much better job this weekend about showing affection to me, and making me feel loved. It actually would be perfect and I would be completely content if at least once during the weekend we made love. Until that starts happening on a regular basis, I think I will probably still feel a twinge of rejection.

I just wish I knew her reason for not having sex with me. If it is a lack of confidence and body-image on her part, I can live with that, and try to help her through that.

However if it is because she doesn't want to have sex *with me*, then we have a problem. And unfortunely, there is no easy way to find out what the case is. Bahh!

Enough whining for the day.

Today is going to be an all music day.

I need to bring more back in from home.

"Everyone's business is everyone's business" - SP

2000-09-29T11:51:00.000-04:00

I guess it is time for an update.

Last night was actually very good. I would have liked it to end different, but one step at a time.

The only "bad" thing I can find right now is the phone calls, which in itself is probably harmless, but still gives me an uneasy feeling.

I would like to be able to be closer to her, but I am hoping that that will increase maybe, but to be honest I don't see it happening.

Is it possible for her not have a sex drive right now. It use to be very active, and is tailed down to nothing. Is it possible for her not to want it all together, or is she getting it somewhere else?

I am thinking it is just her drive in general is down, I hope. That really is the only option I have to go off of, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

I just wish I knew

2000-09-28T14:20:00.000-04:00

What I think bothers me most is her having an intimate, heart-to-heart talk with him while I was in Boston. It just makes it seem like she was happy for me to go so she could not be bothered with me, and so she could pursue this.

I am very confused, and I have nothing in the my immediate radar that indicates that I will become less confused as time goes on.

I miss when we were in love. I am still in love with her, and want to get back to that. It is obvious that she is not in love with me the same way she use to be.

Is she just comfortable now, and doesn't want to upset the balance (doesn't seem like her style), or does she really want to move on with me, and this is an innocent friendsip.

I watch TV charachters and become jealous with the happiness that some of them have, because they aren't feeling what I am currently feeling. That is very sad, because TV never imitates life, and they never show the tough stuff, always just cut away.

However, I want to get to that place again, that place where I wake up in the morning a happy man, with an outlook for the day that is positive, and the much fanfare.

I use to cherish coming home to spend time with her, but now it has gotten terse and complicated because I have way to many things going on in my head.

On a complete sidenote, I forgot how much I really like "Siamese Dream". Until just recently, music didn't invoke the type of passion in me like it use to in my college days. Music back then use to make me feel wonderful or sad, based on how I wanted to feel. It brought out emotions and life inside of me.

Ironically as it is, when I met her, I pushed music to the backgroung (did I like music so much because it gave me something to drown my single woes in?), and lost my emotional touch with music.

The last 3 days, that touch has come back.

It's too bad SP is breaking up because they were the only band that I liked that had a style that was a great representation of my personality -- complex, musical, melodic, emotional, wide range of feelings, they had it all.

I guess MII will have to be my last stint with them.

Back to work...

2000-09-28T09:51:00.000-04:00

Last night was very good! We had a great dinner, great time at her dad's, and then talked for awhile.

I had made a promise to myself to no longer be nosey.

And I Would have been able to uphold it if she hadn't taken the other car, along with not being on IM today. It seemed to much to me today.

You know, this is really doing a number on my stomach.

I want to be happily married with someone who loves me. Is that too much to ask for?

2000-09-27T16:50:00.000-04:00

I have had a miserable afternoon. As my title says, Ignornace is Bliss, and the less I know about what is going, the better I feel. However, I keep trying to find out more and more.

Nothing substaintial has ever been found, only small things that I can't prove anything (which probably means there is nothing).

I want to go home crawl in bed and watch ER.

2000-09-27T14:34:00.000-04:00

So, I know where he works now, and she has been calling him at work. Ironic that he works at a Mortgage company.

To her credit, she still acts like we are full steam ahead when it comes to buying the house, and things for it. But she doesn't do a very good job of showing me that she loves me.

2000-09-27T11:38:00.000-04:00

I am starting to learn that trust is the most important thing I can have in this relationship.

She has done nothing to sway my trust for her.

Everything has always checked out in her favor.

So, I need to go with it. That is the only way this relationship will ever work, is through trust.

The only thing that I need trust her on is if she wants out, she will tell me as well

2000-09-26T16:48:00.000-04:00

I want to be happy in my life.

2000-09-26T14:06:00.000-04:00

It was a good lunch today. Her going off on my mom, as weird as it sounds, gives me hope. Makes me think that maybe she is still in it for the long haul.

Overall, I am doing much better about it. I am eating more, and feeling less shitty. Every once in awhile I think about some of the things I read, and this twinge comes back into my stomach, but I try to subdue them as fast as possible.

I can't continue feeling like shit, so I need to take charge of it and change it.

I love her and will continue this process as long as I feel like I am being told the truth.

2000-09-25T10:44:00.000-04:00

I don't know how to really explain how I feel right now.

I guess, let's start with this weekend. It was overall alright, but had some real patchy spots in it. When we were up there on Friday, I continually got the feeling that she did not want to be with me, and when the possibility arose to leave early and get home, she was all over that.

Always checking her voicemail.

Didn't see her much on Saturday, but...

Always checking her voicemail.

Sunday started bad. Wanting to go camping with her friend, while seems harmless enough just shouts at me that something is amiss. She hates camping, she hates being cold. So if she really goes "camping", I am going to be very suspicious.

But the afternoon got better and all doubts were erased until...

Always checking her voicemail.

What is the fuck important that she has to check it that often, esp when there are no mesage indicators. Means that she is expecting a phone call through the back way into it.

Always checking her voicemail.

Then this morning telling me she did not want to do RCIA this year, but "don't read anything into it". Well should I not read anything into it when she doesn't buy a dress, or we stop planning stuff for the wedding?

Always checking her voicemail.

2000-09-25T08:52:00.000-04:00

I will write more about this weekend, but her not wanting to go to RCIA is not good, and does not make me feel right

2000-09-22T08:05:00.000-04:00

Last night was not good. It is obvious now that she is hiding something from me.

Looking at watches and cordless phones?

This trip should be interesting

2000-09-21T14:57:00.000-04:00

I never realized that you can tell how long a person as been idle on AIM, very interesting.

"Let me give the world to you!" - Smashing Pumpkins

2000-09-21T10:39:00.000-04:00

I slept really well last night. It was refreshing.

2000-09-20T16:27:00.000-04:00

I was doing ok for awhile, but this whole, "I need to go in to the office on Sunday" when he happens to be online, probably talking to her, just screams of something fishy.

I have no proof that she is leaving me, only proof that she is not.

She suggested going to Michigan to register
She suggested visiting my parents
She suggest a lot of stuff that speaks about our future, things that seem like we will be together for ever.

But is that all fluff? Or does she really mean all of that.

Am I happy with possibly not being the number one person in her life.

I need to find somethings to keep me occupied

2000-09-20T15:35:00.000-04:00

He has been on for a really long time. I wonder what they are talking about.

Stop this!

Karma!

ignore all of this and trust her and life to give you what you deserve

2000-09-20T14:54:00.000-04:00

Would I be really bad to be doing this?

2000-09-20T14:51:00.000-04:00

Man, it really bugs me when he gets online

2000-09-20T13:10:00.000-04:00

So ironic. The DC diaries mentions his name.

Oh Gods, what hast thou in store for me!

2000-09-20T12:37:00.000-04:00

I ran around way to much this morning to satisfy my curiosity.

I know have a headache because of it.

I slept much better last night when I convinced myself to stop worrying about it and let what happens happen. I have always been a firm believer in Karma, so I need to follow my beliefs and hope that all works out for the best.

2000-09-19T19:04:00.000-04:00

I question everything she says now.

not good

2000-09-19T18:30:00.000-04:00

What's up with her just leaving without telling me she was going home. She no longer wants to spend time with me.

I'm sad. I think I might cry.

2000-09-19T17:49:00.000-04:00

So, I get to go home now, and look at her, and wait to see how she is going to response to me. Her and home use to be my save-haven in this world. It was a place I could go to and know that I was ok and all would be right.

That sanctity right now isn't there.

And I hate it

2000-09-19T17:45:00.000-04:00

I hate documentation

2000-09-19T17:18:00.000-04:00

I really hate the person that I have become because of this.

The thought of marriage scares me now because with marriage is always the possibility of divorce and cheating.

I can handle divorce, but I can't handle cheating, just seems like a cheap way out.

I should have been a girl

2000-09-19T16:02:00.000-04:00

Should I just ignore all of this and let it pass and trust her to tell me if somthing has happened?

Is it bad tha I am questioning her love?

I really hate this.

2000-09-19T15:47:00.000-04:00

He is online right now, probably talking to her

Wonder if she will give him the same excuse she gave me.

"To busy, trying to get something out right now"

I believe her that she is busy, but just wondering if he rates high enough to get to talk to her right now

This sucks, I was doing ok until this happened

2000-09-19T15:07:00.000-04:00

What worries me most is that fact that she, at some point, felt so bad about our relationship that she needed to look outside of it for something she was missing inside of it.

I hope she didn't have sex with him, because that would make this 10x worse

2000-09-19T14:05:00.000-04:00

The though of her being intimate with him breaks my heart.

I don't mean intimate in the sexual sense of the word, I mean that day-in/day-out stuff.

The singing together..
The laughing together...
The fighting together...
The being a couple...

I am going to give myself an ulcer with this...

2000-09-19T13:41:00.000-04:00

Aghhhhh, god, I am whiney, but damn, the mortgage thing sticks out in my head

2000-09-19T12:45:00.000-04:00

I hope it gets easier

2000-09-19T12:38:00.000-04:00

how do I proceed?

2000-09-19T12:24:00.000-04:00

I mean, I do love her, so so much. I just wish I somehow knew what was going on.

I don't like being played for a fool, much less with my heart.

Maybe space is all she needs

I hope

2000-09-19T12:18:00.000-04:00

stop thinking about it

2000-09-19T12:15:00.000-04:00

Stop thinking about it.
There is no way she is really like that and that this will happen the way I have been scheaming
She loves me, but then why is she seeing him?
Are they together
Are they together
I miss my bliss and ignorance
Is this a big scam?
Does she love me?
I hope she does, because if she doesn’t, and this ends how I think it might end, I will be a fucked man for a very long time
Why him, why now?
God, please help me
Why do we not go to church anymore?
Why do we not make love anymore?
Why is she not finding a dress and all wedding plans stopped happening?
Is she trying to find a way to take the mortgage on her own?
What rights do I have?

2000-09-19T11:57:00.000-04:00

well, I opened up pandora's box when I decided to be nozy.